Dear Hot Ladies,

I have been away for ages because of my incapacitation through this awful thing called the Mentalpause.  My hair has become positively menopausal.  The other night I got up to go for a pee, that's another thing, and as I walked down the stairs a car passed in the street casting a shadow into my hallway when all of a sudden this thing jumped out at me and then suddenly disappeared. 

I checked the doors and windows,  they were all closed.  Taking the phone with me I very quietly crept under the stairs and phoned the police.  When I heard the car outside I crawled across the to door and when I stood up to open it, there it was, the blasted monster,  right in front of me in the mirror.  It was me all the time.  I was so embarrassed trying to explain it to the police.

My hair looked as if I had spent all night backcombing it, and not in a good way at all.  So now, as well as the hot sweats, dry vagina,  brittle nails, memory loss and the time I lose staring into cuboards and drawers I've become scared of my own flipping shadow.

It's not good.
Rusty