Night Classes.

Sorry Tam, was that what you asked me about? I feel a bit tired today as I was up all night. Sometimes I get a great idea and I have to get up and write it down. Last night I was thinking about going away on a trip. Just on my own. Some quiet time. Oh yes, that’s what we were talking about, my interests. Sorry, I’ve been going off on a tangent and forgot the purpose of the meeting.

I might do a night class when I have more time. I’ve heard that the NHS Trust have proposed a stand up comedy course for people with mental health problems. That is such a great idea isn’t? That would be really interesting, people with depression, getting out of bed, standing up, telling jokes. Why did no-one think of it sooner? I’m sure the BBC would throw money at it! What do you think they would call it Tam, ‘Stand and Recover’ or ‘Convalescent Comedy?

Trial of Mensruation!

It was some sort of trial they were doing at the time but I never got the chance to take part in it, which was disappointing really. You see, I worked in a department store at the time and we had to sign in and out at the security office and sometimes they had ‘on the spot’ bag checks. Could you image it? I tried to take them out once but I was sweating and shaking and could not even look the security guy in the eye so they were sure to stop me the next day.

I was dead right. They very next night,
“Hi, you all right, we just need to have a look in your bag.”
Thank the lord I’d had the forethought and dispatched them in the disposal unit. Best place for them really.

They found nothing untoward in my bag. No stolen goods or manky pads. It made me wonder what would have been more serious, carrying offensive sanitary protection, as that would, in some way, contravene the Health and Safety rules, or stealing stock. What would they have charged me with? Theft or being a bloody nuisance?

Periods!

Do you know that they can measure your menstrual blood? Well, women’s, obviously, not yours. After my visit to the hospital they told me that they would like to check how much I was losing each month. They can actually extract it from the tampons and towels. Isn’t that amazing?

What I was supposed to do was keep all the dirty towels or tampons and take them with me on my next visit to the hospital. Or they could simply be handed in to the reception with a name label on them. Not on each individual piece of protection you understand but in a sealed bag and the label goes on that.

Some poor soul then has the job of putting them into a solution that extracts all the fluid and, hey presto, it’s all ready to be measured. Isn’t that clever? Although imagine doing that eight hours a day, five days a week? They never talk about jobs like that when you visit the careers office at school, do they? You would never really take that kind of work home with you. Imagine. “Hello dear, just brought some work home with me from the office.”

General Health?

Oh, I’m fine. Never really had many problems with my health and have only been in hospital to have my two daughters. No wait, there was this one time when I fell in the bathroom. Don’t remember much about it really. Went for a pee, then bang, nothing, nada. It was really scary. I ended up in hospital.

Imagine that? Go for a pee then end up in a hospital bed, drips and everything. You see I had a really bad period. You know menstrual, not time in my life or anything like that. Do you know what I mean? This is a wee bit embarrassing. Are you OK with me talking about this? I would never have spoken about this to my dad. He never even farted in front of us. He would have turned blue and died first. Or held it in for so long that he would have farted out of his eye.

Where was I? Oh yes, my periods have always been a bit of a problem, really heavy. Just the other day I was standing in the butchers waiting to buy some steak and whoosh! I was so uncomfortable but just had to get on with it. Although it did put me right off the idea of eating steak and bought some chicken fillets instead.

Introduction!

Oh My God! This guy is going to think I am mad. Imagine if it was your job to listen to head cases like me all day. I’ve been with me all day, every day, for fifty two years and it is exhausting. Some days I want to get away and there is no where to turn. Everywhere I go, there I am. If you happen to have me thrust upon you, with no way out, then I’m telling you that you would just want to kill yourself. Poor bloke!

“Good morning, my name is Tam Mullaney and I’m here to evaluate you this morning. I’m going to ask you some questions and if you could try to answer them as honestly as possible then that would be grand. If at any point you want to stop then just interrupt me and let me know. How does that sound?”

He seems quite pleasant with a hint of an Irish accent and a ready smile. He is wearing a nice check shirt with the top button open and cord trousers. I see he is also wearing trainers. He will need them after a couple of hours with me he will be sprinting to the nearest pub or down the corridor for a quick evaluation himself. Wonder what he is thinking.